happy sexyween

My life is pretty much over at this point because I am never going to recover from the stinging inadequacy I now feel at not having been the inventor of this spectacular Halloween costume:

SEXY HULK HOGAN

Yeah.... 

Next year, I am totally going as Sexy CM Punk. It'll be like regular CM Punk, but with boobs (if you can call them that....) and heels. And a dress. See, according to the rules for Sexy Halloween, regular CM Punk is not sexy but I, dressed as CM Punk, would be sexy.

And why?

Why?

That's right. Because I have a vagina.

I don't hate you, John. I don't even dislike you. I like you a hell of a lot more than I like most people in the back. I hate... this idea... that you're the best... because you're not. I'm the best. I'm the best in the world. There's one thing you're better at than I am, and that's kissing Vince McMahon's ass. You're as good at kissing Vince's ass as Hulk Hogan was. I don't know if you're as good as Dwayne... he's a pretty good ass-kisser... always was and still is. Oops... I'm breaking the fourth wall. [waves to the camera.] I am the best... wrestler... in the world.

Also: yes, it's true. I have a favorite WWE wrestler. Who knew?

I have no breaking point, and all you have to do is look in my eyes and realize I have laughed in the face of temptation time and time again. I have never tapped out to society's attempts at peer pressure. You try to stick a beer in my hand with the same commercials that have hypnotized all of you people, and that sell you all your narcotics and things you're addicted to. Well, I'm harder than any alcohol you can drink, I'm straighter than any line you can snort up your nose, and I certainly can hurt you a lot faster than any pill you put on your tongue.

You know, I hate the word "humbling" because people are always using it wrong. Here is a PSA for stupid musicians and actors: one is not humbled by winning an enormous prize. But I am definitely humbled by CM Punk's straight edge speeches. He is like a caricature of me at my best/worst. Except with more muscles. And taller. And.... less.... clothing...

Q: How does one Sexy-Halloweenify a figure who already struts about in go-go boots and leather briefs with dangly fringe, and who makes a living touching oiled men all over? 

A: If we take Hulk Hogan as an example, apparently one actually adds more square inches of cloth to achieve increased sexiness, in addition to the addition of the requisite vagina, of course. 

Clearly this overturns all previous attempts to conceptualize the Sexy Halloween costume paradigm.

And I know, trust me, it's hard being straight-edge, it's hard to live a straight-edge lifestyle. It's extremely difficult to be me, but what concerns me now is that none of you realize how much more difficult it is to live the life... that you all live. I'm positive nobody in here takes into account the long-term consequences of alcohol on your liver. [Smattering of cheers from audience] See, and you cheer that. That's nothing to cheer. You drink because it's fun, right? [Audience cheers a little louder] Eventually, it's not gonna be fun anymore when it spirals out of control and its no longer... it's no longer fun. Sooner or later, you're just drinking to feel normal. And then there's the smokers. You know, I don't know what's more disgusting–is watching a smoker pollute his/her lungs with over 4,000 foreign chemicals, or having to listen to the smoker convince themselves that they can quit whenever they want to. It's... it's hard to quit, I know, it takes a very strong person to quit, but an even stronger person never would've started smoking in the first place. [Audience boos] I didn't want to come out here and be the bearer of bad news, but let's face facts: chances are pretty slim that any of you here will ever get the monkey off your back. You'll never be able to pry the cigarette from your lips, or find the self-control to pour your drink from your glass, or the self-respect to take the pill out of your mouth. See, it starts, and it can't happen without learning how to say "no" to temptation, and that's why I'm out here. I'm out here to challenge you before it's too late. Please, learn how to say "no" to temptation, learn how to say "no" to your vices, learn how to control yourself.

I especially like the story (posted on his LiveJournal, mind you) of how CM Punk was pulled over by the cops, who then wanted to search his car with a drug-sniffing dog. Punk goes ballistic at this perceived insult to his drug-free history and and starts shouting "WHAT DO MY KNUCKLES SAY? WHAT DO THEY SAY?????"

CLOSE ENOUGH