self-identifying as "mother" or "father"

"Whatever you get paid attention for is never what you think is most important about yourself."
--David Foster Wallace

I was watching Charlie Rose today. It was a memorial show for Tony Judt, who died earlier this month, presumably from complications of ALS. You can watch it online here. There are a lot of interesting ideas touched on in the interviews shown in this episode--not least of all Judt's use of the memory palace technique, which helped him compose and remember new bits of writing during the nighttime when there was no one available to take dictation.

At one point in the show Rose questioned Judt about his identity as a "controversialist". Judt expressed amusement and said he did not identify as this at all. He then rattled off a few labels he found more applicable.

Most conspicuously (to me, anyhow), "father" was not among those labels--and this was in spite of the fact that Judt had spoken with pride about his children earlier in the same interview. My mind kept returning to that conspicuous absence all afternoon.

I don't really like to identify myself as "mother", either, frankly.

I don't mean that I disown my lovely children or pretend not to know them when we're out together. That's far from the case. Rather, I don't particularly like revealing my parental status in out-of-context situations (I strongly considered never mentioning it on this blog, for instance). I don't like how many people tend to take a person less seriously once the "mother" label has been applied to her. All of a sudden you're treated like your IQ just dropped 40 points, for one.

Generally the penalty for revealing parental status is higher for women than for men. Yet it's a tad more controversial when a woman refuses to label herself based on her family relationships, isn't it? Why is that? (I guess it's because controversiality is a culturally imposed penalty in and of itself...) And why is my own distaste for the label so strong, even though I love my kids as much as Judt loved his?

I was thinking about all of that (as I washed the dishes, lollololllolol...), and I brainstormed a few reasons why I (or someone else) might be disinclined to identify strongly with the terms "parent", "mother", or "father":

1) Low social value placed on parenthood.

By identifying yourself with a low status job, you are announcing, "Hello, I am a low status human being. Please piss all over me." Do you really want to do that? Maybe not all the time...

I'm not saying this is how the world should be. But this is how it is.

2) Parenthood is common and unremarkable.

Almost everybody eventually does it. It's not something unique or distinguishing.

We certainly would never introduce ourselves as "Peter's Uncle", or "Tamika's second cousin" out of context!

3) It's not a very specific label.

There's no honor in being just a generic parent. What sort of parent are you? Some parents (perhaps even most parents) are really pretty awful at nurturing their children. Being a shitty parent is worlds worse than being a shitty janitor or a shitty human resources director--it's about on par with being a shitty brain surgeon.

4) The parental role is not necessarily chosen freely.

This is true of paying jobs as well. The less freely a job is chosen, the less a point of pride it tends to be for the person performing it. A janitor who wanted to be a lawyer and lost the opportunity still might be a very excellent janitor, but it's unlikely she'll want to talk about her job at every turn. The cultural pressure to become a parent is still very high among many groups of people, especially for those who grew up in a strongly religious and/or conservative community.

5) It simply doesn't speak to some of us. We don't find the label and/or the job itself to be moving or exciting.

I can hear the witch burners coming for me now... but, let's face it. Only a total flarfflebrain could find it intellectually stimulating to wipe up some puke, snuggle up for one more episode of WordWorld, or make a peanut butter sandwich for the 325th time. Parenting is 95% mundane acts of daily living.

While it may be an internal act of extreme heroism to make that 325th sandwich without crying into the jelly out of despair, or to coo gently and rock-a-bye a fretful baby while ignoring your chronic backache and aching feet, it's not exactly the sort of riveting theme you want to revisit on your off hours.

Yes, yes, you get the good parts, too. Who doesn't love a hug from a sweet-smelling toddler or an adorable impromptu magic show put on by a preschooler? (Well, probably profoundly autistic people or those with leprosy... but I digress.) Nevertheless, spinning parenthood as being constantly full of reward and excitement is about as honest as saying that a tour abroad with the US Army is an awesomely fun learning experience where you get free food, new friends, and lots of exercise.

This is a bit of a lazy list; I could go a lot further in breaking down the pressures and motivations behind these reasons... but ... I am kind of tiring of the subject.

Watch the Judt special if you get the chance. He was an interesting guy.

Gonna go hug my kids. :-)